There are times when I just want to cower and hide and bury myself in the cocoon of my blankets and pretend like the world around me doesn’t exist.
There are moments, sometimes days when I just want to hide behind the veil of “not knowing how” and quietly sip the poison of my excuses and allow its slow erosion eat through the intestines of my dreams like colitis of the creative.
Yes, I have my moments. Sometimes they even last a day.
I hide knowing that I will be rebirthed through the labor pains as I dig through the plagiarized programming, conditioned addicted feelings of “not-enoughness” and “who cares” because I know what’s on the other side...
Freedom from the matrix of what society, people, the world says I should think/do/be.
Freedom from the fears that bind me to the mast of the sinking vessel of who I have been.
I lost a friend to COVID. Don’t worry she’s still alive, she didn’t have COVID...she was plagued like many, with fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of a different opinion about fear. Fear of being wrong about fear. Fear of fear.
I lost her because she no longer wanted to be my friend.
It still hurts sometimes. Fear always does.
Deep down, I’m sure there’s still that little five-year-old girl in me who’s begging to be liked, praying that someone will just love her, notice her, accept her for who she is.
I didn’t want to share this. I felt embarrassed. Marred - like you would think that I’m a bad person for admitting that someone out there in the ether didn’t like me or what I put out there on the interwebs. Ashamed, questioning? Should I feel bad?
Should I not have shared what was on my heart and soul about how I saw people treating other people - using a pandemic to shame, blame, vilify, and...
When I first started my business, I marketed and worked with 99% women - fierce, badass, driven, ambitious women who wanted it all and who were willing to put their nose to the grindstone, do the work, hustle hard, pedal to the metal, push themselves until they broke down or burnt out, the go-go-goal-getters who were driven AF to move heaven and earth to do the work.
Usually, it was from a place of giving, of service, of a desire to be more, do more, share more, serve more. It didn’t matter whether they were giving to 1300 students in an online course, or giving money, time, energy, to their kids, giving to everyone, everyone...except themselves.
Giving from lack is not giving from love.
This shows up as…
Being on the verge of burn out or breakdown, beating yourself against the form of how something “should” be or “should” work to serve your customers.
Not asking for help, when your soul (and your sanity) is crying out for...
“I don’t want to come off as too salesy.”
My client was struggling with what a lot of solopreneurs struggle with - how much is too much selling? How do you balance messaging and adding value with selling?
Let me ask you this…
“When you go into a coffee shop, do you get mad or upset at the barista for trying to sell you coffee?”
“No…” my client looked at me quizzically.
“Have you ever had a barista say, ‘I’m sorry, I’m not feeling worthy today of selling you a coffee?’”
“No,” she said with a laugh.
I persist, “And even if, let’s say, that did happen, and you were standing in the coffee shop, even just considering purchasing a coffee, even if you weren’t sure what you wanted, and that barista said that to you, you’d possibly even feel a little offended, right? Like, why are you saying you’re “OPEN” then if you’re not...
“Who is this person?” I thought. Fifteen minutes had flown by, my thumb was pulsating as my soul was shrinking into Facebook oblivion. I caught myself in a moment of lightening awareness, with the thunderous rumble of creation roaring through my veins.
“What am I even doing?”
I’d spent the past fifteen minutes scrolling, sensing, feeling, consuming messages of hope, despair, light, darkness, facts, conspiracy, quotes, and images of lunch and COVID tests. What I’d accomplished...nothing. What I’d felt...everything.
It’s easy to get enthralled into the black hole of consuming on social media. It gives our brains the dopamine rushes like a heroin addict as our thumbs repetitively shove the scrolling into our eyeballs, heightening our senses while simultaneously numbing them.
I put the phone down on the table and walked outside for a breath of fresh air.
Even as high performers, it’s easy to get lost in the addiction to...
Are you ever so freaking scared of doing the wrong thing? Making the wrong move? Being the “wrong” person for the job?
I cannot tell you how many times I used to listen to what everyone told me what I “should” be, “should” do, how I “should” feel. How much money I was “supposed” to make before I could call myself successful. How much struggle I was “supposed” to experience before I could experience fulfillment in the work that I do. How I was “supposed” to feel jaded about my industry, about my business, about life. How business was “supposed” to be done, and how if I didn’t do it to their f*ing blueprint that I was incapable, incompetent, and wrong.
Well, pardon my French, but Fuck that merd.
No, you know what, in fact, don’t pardon my French. I curse. I let appropriately placed f*bombs rip through the sky and shower down the light of truth when necessary....
As a Type A, perfectionist, A+ student, I looooooved getting extra credit. Only 100? Why not 110%? Or 115%? Or...screw it...150%!! Yaaaaaas, teacher, please give me the extra work, the extra tasks, the extra assignments.
Easy to see how that could easily program one to associate MORE work, MORE suffering, MORE struggle with MORE results, right?
Here’s the thing...
And what I’ve seen working with high achievers for the past 3 years, and being one for the last...well, ALL the years of my life...is that so often we make it an even trade:
WORK X AMOUNT HARD = X AMOUNT OF RESULTS
Where are the miracles, the fun, the joy in that?
Where does that leave room for the Universe/God/ Source to show up in more powerful ways than you could have ever imagined?
Yes, there will be struggles.
Yes, with every dream there will be challenges - challenges that are shaping you...
Who says you HAVE to feel fear right now? (And, BTW, why are you listening to them?)
This isn't about the realness COVID as a disease, or that many people are losing their jobs, have lost their businesses, or that we’re in the middle of the greatest economic recession of all time, or the new hardships we’re all facing to varying degrees with #quarantinelife.
Who says you're "SUPPOSED" to feel panic?
Who says you "SHOULD" feel fear?
YOU FEEL WHAT YOU FREAKING FEEL.
Why can’t you feel joy, love, and a deeper connection to your family right now?
Who says you can’t be excited about the transformation going on both in your life and in the lives of everyone around the world?
Why can’t you feel gratitude for this time of hibernation from the busy and allow yourself to create??
Who says you can't feel excited for this time of innovation and pivoting in your...
“My business isn’t essential for survival.”
Ummmm, excuse me? I thought as I stared at my client last week, my mouth agape. Now, look, I know a lot of people are labeling certain businesses as essential and non-essential, so I had to dive deeper.
“Essential for the survival of whom, specifically?” I asked, “For you. For it? For the people you serve?”
“Of course it’s essential for me,” she replied, “But for humanity when people are in crisis, it’s not like I’m in healthcare or selling food.”
“What are humans starving for more than food right now?”
I held the space for the appropriate cinematic moment before the #micdrop came out of my mouth.
When people are isolated, quarantined, unable to talk to others unable to escape their own home, if you have a product or a service that...
“You wanna grab coffee, sometime? I’d love to pick your brain.”
Would you ever say that to a doctor? Or a therapist? Or a lawyer?
“Hey, doc! I’ve got this thing going on in my stomach? You wanna grab coffee, sometimes? I’d love to pick your brain about what it could be.”
No! You’d make an appointment, pay the bill, and go have the freaking doctor check out your issue.
Yet, so often, I’ve seen service-based entrepreneurs, especially when we first start out and are hungry for clients, we allow ourselves to be deluded by the “pick your brain” verbal opt-in thinking that it’s going to lead to that person becoming a client.
More often than not, I’ve seen the “pick your brain over coffee” really be - you doing the coaching, pouring your heart and soul out, and divulging your years of information and experience onto the table...for the price of a $5 cup of coffee. Ouch.