Needing the Problem
Summary
Kimberly Spencer explores the hidden psychological mechanisms behind our attachment to problems. She identifies three subconscious ‘Trojan Horses’—safety/familiarity, control, and societal acceptance—that keep high performers stuck in struggle loops. Drawing from her personal healing journey and business evolution, Kimberly teaches how to release these mental constructs and step into sovereign leadership with trust, clarity, and aligned action. This episode is a deep dive into subconscious reprogramming for feminine leaders ready to break free and rise.
Action Items
[ ] Journal your current ‘need’ for the problem—what does it protect or prove?
[ ] Identify which Trojan Horse (safety, control, or societal acceptance) is active.
[ ] Book an Ascension Acceleration Consult with Kimberly to shift into your next level.
Transcript
[05:00]
needing the problem
What if the problem you are trying to solve is actually the Trojan horse that is keeping you safe? Stay tuned for this episode where we tackle the three Trojan horses that keep you stuck in your problems. Stay tuned. Queen. Let's talk efficiency. As a Virgo, I live for streamlined systems, and that's exactly why I've used Kajabi to run Crown Yourself since 2017. In fact, in 2022, we took it even further, moving our entire podcast and CRM onto Kajabi because having everything in one place. Game changer. No more tech headaches, no more system switching, just one smooth, scalable platform for business growth. And for a limited time, you can get 30 days free to try it out for yourself. Start streamlining your empire today. Click the link below to start your 30 day free trial with Kajabi. Welcome to the Crown Yourself podcast, where together we build your empire and transform your subconscious stories about what's possible for your business, body, and life. I'm your host, Kimberly Spencer, founder of Crown Yourself, and I'm a master mindset coach, bestselling author, TEDx speaker known to my clients as a game changer. Each week, you get the conscious leadership strategies you need to help you reign with courage, clarity, and confidence so that you too, can make the income and impact you deserve. Imagine this podcast as your royal invitation to step into your full potential and reign in your divine purpose. Your sovereignty starts here and your reign is now. Hey there. I'm Kimberly Spencer, your high performance coach and subconscious business success strategist, and I am so excited to dive into this episode, because this is a concept that I wrote about in my half written book, Rule Your Body and Will Rule Your Body. Ever be coming out? Well, maybe this episode in me recording will actually allow for that alignment to show up as to like why it hasn't come out yet. Um, this was a book that I started writing years ago when I first started my business, Crown Yourself. Um, as far as coaching was concerned, it wasn't necessarily around high performance or business, it was just around a subconscious blocks. And in that started from my journey with healing, a ten year battle with bulimia and doing that with no psychological or medical intervention, completely reprogramming my my subconscious mind, my the way that I think, feel, act around my body. I have not looked back in oh my God had sippin. It's been like 15 years. Yeah. Damn. Um. Haven't looked back like literally wonder who was that? How did I do that for 15, for ten years of my life? Um, it's I, I'm in a completely different identity. And I'm sure you have these experiences as well, where you can look back on certain aspects of your life or seasons of your life, or like, I don't even recognize that girl anymore. I don't even recognize who I was back then. Like, I would totally give myself such a big hug and be like, I love you and I'm so sorry you're going through this and this sucks. And I promise you, you're going to get through this and it's going to be better. Like it gets to be so freaking good. And that started off my business crown herself and coaching. And initially we were doing high performance body image and wellness. And then we moved into high performance and then high performance business and success strategy and. But I started writing this book in 2015 because I didn't really know what I was doing back then in my business, and it stayed in my half written Scrivener book files, along with a one other one that I'm very excited to have coming out next year. So I can't say what it is, but it's very exciting. So we're just going to hold on to that. Um, I'm keeping it a little more close to the chest until it is ready to be released, because just like a baby and you don't share about a baby, um, until three months. Uh, we're going to we're going to wait on, on sharing about that, but just, you know, stay tuned because it's going to oh, it's good. It's really good. Um, and the, the few friends that I have told about it specifically where they know a few more details are like, oh, damn, I want to read that. So just stay tuned. Um, but back to the half written book of role your body. So I have this half written book. Uh, and one of the concepts that I talked about in it, specifically pertaining to the body, but it actually pertains to every area of your life, and they're called the three Trojan horses of your subconscious mind and your subconscious. So if you know the story of the Trojan horse and the there was this big war. Helen of Troy set off this late war because she was so beautiful. And the Trojans, I believe. Yeah. The Trojans sent in this horse to the Greeks, and they. And I could be completely botching this metaphor, but they sent in this horse, and they actually, this horse had all of the little, like, spies and killers and soldiers inside of it. But this the other side thought, oh my gosh, we'd won. We've we've beaten this battle. They're gone. And secretly, they welcomed this Trojan horse into their internal camp, and they completely lost the battle. And it led to this like, massive loss. So the Trojan horses of your subconscious mind are the same way. Because when we face a problem, if we abide by the principle that which is consciously manifest happily, and that which is unconscious manifest unhappily, if we abide by that principle, then in essence the problems that we have, we are unconsciously manifesting. So there are these like Trojan horses that are just lingering in our subconscious mind, waiting for that moment where it's like we're going to pop out and show ourselves. And in my frame of of reference, I don't believe that the universe where God tests us. I don't like that language, that it's like this, like, you know, big Sky daddy testing us to see if we're worthy. Um, I actually feel that it's more of like the unconscious mind is presenting an opportunity for healing and art. Because one of the prime directives of our unconscious minds is they repress. It is it represses memories until we're ready to process them, and it represses significant emotional events until we're ready to process them. So sometimes it wants to process them in the form of a problem of like it presents something into your external reality and you're like, crap, this is happening. I don't like that this is happening in my life. And so that's an unconscious manifestation of this problem, where in a way, you could say that your unconscious mind is saying, I believe in you, and I think you're capable of solving this problem, and I think you're ready. Are you ready? And if you're ready, then you conquer these three Trojan horses, and you move forward and you uplevel to that next level in the game. But if you're not, then we keep railing against this problem, because this problem in a way starts to fulfill a need. And this problem shows up because it is fulfilling a need in some way. In the backdrop background of our lives and the, you know, speeding up, slowing down the ram of our subconscious minds because it's providing us with one of these three Trojan horses. So I'm going to state what these three Trojan horses are, and then we're going to dive in a little deeper as to like how to reframe them, work through them so that you no longer need your problem and you just move to the next level in the game. And that's the game of life. So the first Trojan horse is safety and familiarity. Now initially I it like I considered it safety. But really I want to frame what safety is because there are certain situations that don't feel safe like domestic violence. And yet why do they repeat? Why do they continuously repeat? Or why does someone choose to stay in a situation that is inherently dangerous and it's because their safety comes from it being familiar? So and if you're it's something that's very interesting to me is the etymology. I get really nerdy over words. The etymology of the word familiar. Notice that it has a familiar a prefix to family. Yeah, so I'll let that one sit in and percolate in your unconscious mind right there. So when we look at the safety and familiarity, our subconscious mind loves familiarity more than it actually loves success. Your problems become a predictable pain and the nervous system actually equates it to safety. So even though it's not safe, maybe even though a circumstance maybe not safe, like let's say, and this doesn't have to be some like massive traumatic thing like, um, like domestic violence. It could be something as simple as you feel safe in draining your bank account to zero or getting into a negative bank balance every month, and then, you know the money's going to come in. It always comes in, and then you get back up and then you drain it back. And so you're used to this cycle of like, oh, I have a big influx of money coming in, and then I drain it to zero or drain it to negative, and then I bring it back up. So that's a predictable pain. It sucks because like I said, it's a negative bank balance again. Or overdraft fees. But you're predicting you're you're safe in that reality. Your nervous system has actually equated it to safety and feeling that that pattern of money flows in. Hooray! It x amount of expenses go out to bills, and then suddenly you're at back at that negative bank balance. That can be one. The same is true with weight loss. The same is true where you are very used to. And this could be over the term of a month like it was with a bank balance. This could be over the term of several years. So you feel safe in going on like the 75 hard and doing that. And then after the 75 hard you have, you know, maybe 150 days of 75 soft and then you go back to doing 75 hard. So then there's that predictable pain and that predictable pattern. The question that you need to ask yourself, though, is if I let this go. Who will I be? What will I feel? Because so often, especially when I'm coaching leaders and I bring up like a predictable pattern that's coming up and that their nervous system is feeling as safe, like the, you know, cash flowing in, opex flowing out that when I get a lot maybe not the, you know, to the extreme of money flows in and then the cash flow just dwindles down to like, barely anything. And they have enough. But it's just, you know, they they bring in 50 K and then they spend 35 K in opex and then they're like, where's my profit margin? Where's my owner's withdrawal? And I'm like, okay, that's that's the predictable pattern. That's one that we then get to work on. So the question is, if I let this go, who will I be and what will I feel? Because most often when I ask leaders, how is this keeping you safe? They're like, this is not keeping me safe. I don't like it. And I'm like, yeah, you don't like it. But your nervous system is familiar with this pattern. And so your nervous system, your biology actually thinks it's safe. So in order to rewire biology, you have to live in the discomfort of trusting yourself to have money in your bank account, or to have a sustained weight and to stay there. You have to trust yourself. This was one that I had when I was reprogramming my mindset with bulimia. I had to learn how to trust myself with chocolate in the house like. And it started out with just a bar. Just a bar and my nervous system. I literally sat with my nervous system for like a few days, and knowing that I had this bar in the house and that I could eat it if I wanted to. I didn't have to eat it, but knowing that I could be safe with having a bar of chocolate in the house, because prior to that, if ever I had sweets in the house, I would just binge like a mofo. And then I would purge. And then as I started to heal, I then said, okay. My first step was eliminate the binging temptation. Eliminate those pieces of temptation from even being a part of my life. So I took out all the potential dangers and didn't have sugar in my house for like a year. And then I realized I need to start learning that I can have a sweet treat and I can trust myself with a sweet treat. So the thing was saved. And familiarity is the backbone of it, of reprogramming. It comes in a place of trust. Do you trust yourself in a new relationship that doesn't berate you or cross your boundaries? Do you trust yourself to speak up for yourself? Do you trust yourself to hold and savor and grow money? Do you trust yourself to grow a team? Do you trust yourself to maintain the discipline of an exercise routine? This is where we get to expand and let our subconscious minds know it is safe to expand beyond what I've known. I can trust myself in sustaining this new level. I can trust myself with this business. I can trust myself within my body. I can trust myself with my finances because safety and familiarity comes from a broken trust. And that Trojan horse comes from a broken trust. That's how it sneaks in. The second Trojan horse is control. And so problems give us something to focus on. They allow us to manage something. They allow us to fix something. They allow us to have a sense of certainty. And if you know the work of Tony Robbins and he he his work talks about the six core human needs. And two of the core human needs are certainty and variety. And so. The certainty can come from a false sense, but we can. We can create a false sense of certainty by staying in the problem. So if the problem goes away, then we lose our coping strategy. We could even lose our source of identity. But the problem gives you control over your time, your energy, your attention. But it costs you your peace. So true power. Real power comes from choice. That's where certainty is. And so the the change that has to happen with this Trojan horse. It sneaks in because of a desire to control. But how to shift this is when you claim your power of choice, and when you recognize that it is in your choice to make a new decision, that you have your freedom. And that's where, uh, everything I talked about in my TEDx talk on becoming a Warrior for possibility comes into play. Because a choice is a decision. And a decision means you burn the boats. And a decision means that you are no longer operating as you have been. And I will give you an example that no longer includes a half written book, but a fully written book, and actually a fully written and published book called Make Every Podcast Want You. So my control in the past. Hat of being seen as an author was having three half written books in my Scrivener file, and it allowed me to control the perception and the fears that I had around being an author. Even though one of my greatest desires in life has always been to be a published author, and yet that was also one of my greatest fears. I had a whole bunch of limiting beliefs come up from, you know, my from just different sources and people just not being kind about my lack of grammar. I think I made grammatical mistakes all the time. Maybe I have dyslexia, I don't know, um, nor do I really care. Like I'm like, I'm not at this point. I'm like, I'm not going to let that stop me. But at the same time, I did allow for me not having a book for me to have that controlled certainty. I could be certain that my book was going to be freaking amazing, because it was staying in my head because I didn't put pen to paper or, you know, fingers to keyboard. My book got to stay perfect in my mind. You're a piece of artwork gets to say perfect in your mind. Your program, your course, your business gets to stay perfect in your mind. But when you start putting action in that and new action in it's action that shapes your identity and it's action that moves you out of the false sense of security. And it's action that is your your choice and your new decisions. So the way you shift this second Trojan horse of control is you start taking new action that gets really uncomfortable because it provides that variety, and then it's trusting it goes back to that first, uh, Trojan horse of trusting yourself to take these new action steps that are new and not familiar. So these Trojan horses stack on each other. And when I started taking those new action steps, such as, like finishing the book, booking the writers retreat so that I could take four days away from my children, pass them off to my husband and my mom and say, I'm going to go write this book and finish it. And then taking the diligent three months of actual steps through the editing process, marketing process, getting all the releases signed by all the people who are mentioned in the book, and all the things when I started doing all those things and then saying, yep, we have the date, we're releasing it, it's coming out. That shifted my sense of certainty. My sense of certainty came from it being perfect to my sense of certainty came from it is happening. It is being done. And it was surrendering my control in the outcome of how it was received and allowing for myself to say I am choosing instead for my identity to be that of a published author, and I would rather have my identity be a published author than have the outcome be something that I can't control, which I can't control other people's opinions. And while every review has been a positive, a review like, and we have a ton of five star reviews on Amazon, we have had some feedback of like, oh, it's missing a table of contents. And I'm like, oh crap, you're right, it is. So that just means a second edition. That just means that's the next step. But now I get to live in the identity of the being a published author. And I'm no longer controlling the perception of the dream where the dream gets to stay perfect in the mental realm. And that's the problem with with the labor of birthing any creative project, whether it's a business, a book, a baby into the physical realm is it has to leave the mental realm. You have to take the action steps. The third Trojan horse is the trickiest one, I think, and its societal acceptance. And this can be the most insidious, because sometimes your problem is actually what makes you relatable. And there are people that you may have followed. Maybe you followed me for a while online, and maybe there was a point in my life where in in your life where you were like, I no longer relate to her content or some another influencer maybe. And if you were like that, I don't know why you'd be listening to this podcast, but, uh, but maybe there's another influencer, maybe there's another business owner where as they've grown to a different level of success in their business, you're like, I don't I don't really relate to that anymore. And it's because they're operating on a different level of consciousness, because they're no longer in the space of fear or blame or shame or guilt, and they're no longer relating on that level of consciousness. And so you're literally hearing them differently. And because they're projecting a different projection into their, into the, into the world and you're receiving something different, you may no longer align with it. I've had several mentors and coaches that I've worked with that like I wouldn't coach with them today, but I coached with them when I did, and they were incredibly helpful for my growth in that season. But today we we just it's not that they're bad or that what they're teaching is wrong. It's just it's no longer aligned with with who I am and where I'm going. And that's okay. But we do get a sense of societal acceptance, though, from our problems. And you see this with weight loss. You see this with money. You see this with business. Like there is a reason why 85% of businesses don't make it past six figures in gross annual revenue. The struggling entrepreneur, the overworked mom, the burnt out boss. These all get praise. You see it online. I actually saw it the other day on, um, on Instagram. And like, there are some mom things and I'm like, oh, that's funny. Um, of just, you know, the the harried mom, the do it all mom, I, I get that. And there is humor in it. And there's also the, the kind of biting humor it was a it was a meme that I saw that was like, I turned I turned off my kid's Wi-Fi devices for a day and had them play board games. And now I realize why my kid, why my parents and grandparents were alcoholics and smokers, and I was like, wow, these beautiful children that you birth into the world like you struggled to spend 24 hours detached from Wi-Fi and your devices like. That's that's a sign of a deeper addiction. Like, you just traded addictions and it didn't hit as like, oh, haha. That's funny. It hit is like, wow, that's that's really sad. Like that. We have to numb ourselves or numb our children in order to fully experience. In order to create an illusion of an experience of peace. But it's not peace, it's numbness. And I know it was meant to be a joke, but. And I'm sure there were tons of comments on it that were like, oh, ha, that's so funny. And oh yeah, I, I could never surrender my devices. And don't get me wrong, it's not saying that devices are bad. Like my son just got his device back today after a week of not having it. And he was he was like, I am in my coding. He's really into coding video games right now. And he was like, I, I knew it was Friday, mom. So I got my device back. So I've been on it for an hour. I'm like, great, you know, you only have 90 minutes on that. Um, then that's just our boundary that we, we put in place. But. The humor of the societal acceptance of like, oh my gosh, I need to numb my children or numb that. And it's not saying that anything is wrong with devices or Wi-Fi. Not at all. But the humor. No longer did I relate to and and yet there is a societal acceptance of the harried mother. And believe me, I understand the circumstances can be real. Like if you're a single mom, it is a very different experience than if you are a mom with a supportive partner, very different. And at the same time, these images that we are putting into the world, whether it is online or what we're consuming or, you know, our friends that we have, like these images, these experiences, they generate some form of societal acceptance, and we all have a desire to fit in and belong. We all have a desire to belong. And so sometimes we can buy into these beliefs to try to belong to a group that maybe we don't even want to. And if you're fully healed and succeeded and rested and wealthy, would they still love you? Is this problem? And the biggest question to move out of this problem of societal acceptance is, is this problem giving you permission to be accepted in a system that profits from your pain? Oh, damn. We just went there. Oh, and I just woke up my baby. I just woke up Reagan. She was like, rockin. We're just hanging out with the Bjorn. And she was like, mama, you just woke me up. I'm like, yeah, that question was meant to wake you up. Is this problem giving you permission? Is the problem of being the harried, burnt out, overworked mom giving you permission to be seen and to get rest? Is this problem allowing you permission in a group of entrepreneurs to say like, yeah, I'm struggling with that too. Like, I'm really trying hard in my business. I was in a mastermind once and consistently. This theme within this mastermind of coaches was over delivering under charging and over delivering. And I remember I started to kind of outgrow this mastermind, because suddenly I was hitting new income markers and making new deals, and I found myself in this space of, yeah, I'm not having a problem. Like, I know that what I deliver as a coach is pretty freaking good. And like, my service is very valuable and I have to produce results for my clients, and I don't need to go over 30 minutes to an hour in a conversation to ensure that I'm delivering excellence. Like, I can trust that to go back to safety, I can trust that. And within an hour's conversation for a coaching call. We can get some massive breakthroughs and new decisions made and create a powerful action plan. And I can trust in the variety that comes. I don't need to control the situation. I can trust that that my client is going to get exactly what she or he is going to need from the session, and I don't need to control it to try to give more, show more, demonstrate more, make me seem smarter, better, etc. because that's all coming from a place of insecurity. And I remember in this mastermind, I slowly just fizzled out of it and I was like, no, this is not for me because I saw that in this group. There were people that were just attached to the struggle. They were attached to where they were and this perception of having it all together. But I've never wanted to be seen as like, I have it all together, like I don't. Nobody does. But I figured some things out. And in those things that I figured out, I'm pretty damn good. And I'm confident in saying that. And the thing with the societal acceptance and this Trojan horse is you don't have to sacrifice your sovereignty for belonging. And it starts with you fully accepting your wholeness as a success, your dreams and desires and saying, you know, I am okay with being the outsider for a while. And societal acceptance. There's one thing that's not commonly talked about in In Fear, right? We have fear of the all the fears, and we have our nervous system that kicks in with fight, flight freeze. Right. We've heard fight flight freeze. Okay. That's what happens to an animal, i.e. humans as well. When we are scared, when our amygdala gets hijacked. But there's also this other one. And it's a biological wiring called flock. Because our biological wiring from thousands and thousands of years ago, when we were tribal creatures was if you were the lone wolf, if you were out there pioneering a new path, if you were out there alone. Oh, you were close to dead. Like, good luck surviving alone in a wilderness that wants to eat you. So there was this. There is a biological hardwiring in our bodies for us to flock to different groups. And the problem is, is that in the need to flock to different groups, that means you have to leave one group and go to another. And whenever anybody says that they're having trouble leaving a group that they've been, like, accepted in for a while, maybe this at first is your family. Maybe then it becomes a group of entrepreneurs that you're growing together with, but then you just kind of your business outgrows them, and you no longer need the accountability partners. Like. And that was that's a big thing that happens in that I've seen in the beginning stages of business where people will get together and they're so excited about, you know, growing their business and they have their accountability buddies. And then like everyone starts saying accountable. But then it starts to become the societally acceptable, societally accepted group of a certain standard where that's your ceiling and your floor. But if you need to raise your ceiling, i.e. going to the next level. That means you need to actually leave that group. Maybe unless they're all growing together and go to a new group. Now, ideally with your romantic partner, you grow together and you leave one group and you grow into another one. But not always does that happen. So the societally, like when you start changing there is the challenge of the flock. And it's a biological hardwiring in our subconscious minds from generations upon generations of feeling safe within a certain group. And there is a moment in the in between, between going between one group and another, that you are left in the unknown, going into the unknown, not having a new group. You will always find a new group, I promise you, but it's that unknown of you have to accept yourself and accept your growth. Before going to that next level. And sometimes that means leaving the people who have accepted you as you are behind, because suddenly you're going to start changing. And the friends at the country club who loved having you come and hang out for book club, drinking wine, hanging out are now like, oh, well, we don't relate to her anymore because she is growing a business. And or maybe you have the the friends that you used to go and go out on Friday nights and drink and eat nachos until the wee hours of the morning and not get in your workout, suddenly go on a fitness journey. And now those friends no longer are really hanging out with you. Or maybe you change churches. Each one of these is a new form of flocking, and when you flock to a new group, sometimes people from the old group will stay behind. People will be in your life for reasons, seasons and lifetimes. The ones that are in your lifetimes. Oh my God. They have grown so much because they have grown with you. The ones that are in your life for a season. Thank them for the season that they were in. And sometimes you'll see this with coaches or mentors or guides or whatnot. When you start taking them off of that guru pedestal. Some people don't like don't want to be taken off of that guru pedestal. Their ego really loves it. And that can be a really hard transition because then that's somebody that you've like I said, II. There are coaches and mentors that I've had that I no longer would coach with them or or be mentored by them, but they served me in that season. And so I'm giving you permission in this to look at what season are your relationships in and where are you getting acceptance to stay, where you're at? So I want to end with a few questions that you can ask yourself whether this means you're going to journal on them, or just let them, like simmer in the back of your unconscious mind for the rest of the day. Number one is, what does this problem give me permission to not do or be? Who do I become? Without the struggle. How would my nervous system feel when it actually has peace and not the solution of peace? And if this cracked open a Trojan horse in your mind, please screenshot this episode, share it, and tag me at Crowder now. And let's spread this truth that you don't need to suffer to stay safe. And if you are feeling spicy and you're like, I would like to take this to the next level, and I'd like to be working with someone who doesn't just accept me for where I'm at, but also sees the possibility. And we're champion and challenge the certainty that I get from my own false sense of certainty in these problems that I'm facing currently. And I would like a partner to walk with me through this. Then I encourage you to book an Ascension Acceleration consult with me, and through this console, we will not only get you your five subconscious success strategies, but we will also unlock your power to profit plan for your business and for your growth and for your life, so that you can truly excel beyond these Trojan horses. And instead of being in an illusion of trying to get to a next level of success, you can actually just get there and it make it much easier on yourself. Thank you so much for listening to this episode. I love you so much. I am so grateful for every single listener, every single person, every every single ear that is on this episode right now. I am so, so grateful. Thank you so much for letting me serve you today. As always, own your throne. Mind your business because your reign is now. Thank you so much for tuning in today. If what you heard resonated with you. Be sure to subscribe and start creating a bigger impact now by sharing this with a friend. Just by doing that one simple act of kindness, you are creating a royal ripple to support more people in their sovereignty. And if you're not already following on social media, connect with me everywhere at Crown Yourself. Now for more inspiration. I am so excited to connect with you in the next episode. And in the meantime, go out there and create a body, business and life that rules because today you crown yourself.
